How can I make friends?

I have often been asked by my clients how they can make friends. Until I became a Therapist, I had never had to consider the answer to this question; although, it was something that had presented itself in my own younger life. When I was aged 9, my family moved house from England to Scotland, and then back to England, when I was aged 13, so I knew the impact of the difficulty in finding friends and trying to fit in, but I had not considered the solution…. “It just happened.” A little bit like asking someone why they are so good at sport, and they don't always have the answer.

What is a friend?

In the work that I do to help others make positive changes in their lives, I come across people who are lonely, feel they don’t fit in, or don’t know how to make (and keep) new friends. Firstly, defining friendship is not always easy. It is subjective, to describe what makes a good friend. What makes a good friend in your opinion? What meanings do you hold about friendship? What would “being a good friend to someone else” look like to you? It varies so much from one person to another, often depending upon our own experiences, whether positive or negative, confusing, or straightforward.

Working therapeutically in schools over many years, I would often meet children in my therapy room, who would describe feeling isolated, different, unpopular, lonely, or confused about how to interact with their peers. Some of this may have been related to the characteristics associated with autism spectrum related conditions, where social communication and social interaction difficulties are present. Not only is this isolating and confusing for the child who cannot find friends, but also for their caregivers who agonise over why their child does not fit in, and rarely gets invited to parties or sleepovers. This lack of childhood friendships may lead to low self-esteem, withdrawal, lack of social skills, and potentially low confidence when trying to make friends in adulthood.

How do I build friendship connections?

Friendships do not just happen. Something connects us in the first place, or we seek to find that common ground, our similarities, or our differences. The friendship is built later, over time. It takes hard work and commitment on both parts (as with any relationship of any meaning). We have to give and take, compromise, and take an interest in each other. Good friends will tell you the truth, accept you as you are, and will want what is best for you. Friends are the people we can be ourselves around. They will help you navigate good and tough times in your life and support you through challenging times.

“Friends are those rare people who ask how we are, and then wait for the answer”

(Quote: Ed Cunningham).

Ways to help you to feel more connected to others:

• Volunteer
• Join a class/group
• Walk a dog (either you own dog, or someone else’s)
• Smile at others
• Start a conversation
• Be your true self
• Listen. (really listening means putting your phone away, being interested, and dropping your own agenda)

Social media plays a huge part of our everyday lives today, and many young people and adolescents prefer to make online friends, either due to their circumstances, or because they may find it easier. Whilst online friends cannot physically hug you (which may or may not be your preference), or comfort you in person, they can still provide companionship and support, laughter, and empathy. You might think this is better than having no friends at all.

If we do have the necessary skills and the courage to make friends, friendship can bring so many rewards. We learn about various aspects of ourselves through our friends, and share laughter and tears, which improves our psychological well-being. Friends can enhance your life, as well as provide comfort and support (especially as we age, suffer hardship, struggle in health, or face the loss of someone we love).

If you are reading this, and realising that this is not your own experience of friendship, or questioning the quality of your own friendships, (because being with the wrong friends can be just as detrimental as not having friends), then talking to a Therapist can help. Making a better understanding of self, and where you might be going wrong, or choosing the wrong friends, as well as learning how to foster better relationships. A therapist can help you to look at any fears of rejection, people-pleasing, and your need to be accepted. The therapeutic relationship models how trust plays such a key role in being able to make better connections, be honest with oneself, and build hope for future relationships. Please don’t hesitate to reach out for support by getting in touch with Beverley at Changing Seasons Counselling.